I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
