I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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