I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
