made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
