If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
