Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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