Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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