She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
