Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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