I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
