I accidentally had phone sex last night
i think my tv is drunk
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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