I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize