matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
