If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
