FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
