I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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