I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
