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So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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