i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
