if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
