Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize