Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize