i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My vagina just recognized that song.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
