i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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