His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
