wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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