some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
