He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
