Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
