i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
