I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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