On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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