My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
