before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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