he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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