I'm eating all of the evidence.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
