Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
