sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
