I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
