"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
