i permit you to call me
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
