i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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