im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
