We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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