someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
