Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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