This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
you never un-have a 4some
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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