My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Randomize
