Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
