i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
