Four minutes until I can fart!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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