I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i wish my penis had a tongue
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
