hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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