it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
