so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
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