Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
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